Mothers Of Lost Children – Indiana

Why don’t the courts act in an ethical and judicially correct way in Marion County?  Why don’t the family law courts in Marion County follow Indiana Code with respect to custody?  Why do the judges have such a hard time doing the right thing for children in Marion County?  Part 3 of Tracie Nelson’s story, from The Indianapolis Recorder:

Indianapolis mother Tracie Nelson’s fight to regain custody of her daughter has been difficult, and the concerns she has raised could place select individuals in the Marion County court system on the defensive.

Nelson, however, maintains that every motion filed in court and every complaint presented to various agencies has only been used for the best interest of her daughter, Kay (Not her real name. The Recorder does not publish names of minors in court cases.)

Nelson insists her goal is to have Kay removed from the home of her father, who was questioned for (but has never been charged with) sexual abuse. At the least, she would like more visitation with her seven-year-old child. “I’m not out to try to hurt or anger anyone,” Nelson says, holding back tears.

“All I’m asking for is justice and safety for my beautiful daughter. I raised Kay from her birth until she was taken, and she and I have a special bond that can’t be erased.”

As written in previous segments of this series, Nelson said her main obstacle to getting a fair assessment of her situation was conflict of interest in local paternity and civil courts, allegedly due to close ties between particular judges and the attorney of her ex-boyfriend.However, Nelson is also disappointed with the assistance she has received from individuals charged with ensuring the protection of children.

Specifically, she is unhappy with Kay’s Guardian Ad Litem. The guardian ad litem is a person asked by the court or attorney to represent a child and independently assess their needs during a legal dispute between parents.

At the request of Nelson’s attorney, a guardian ad item was appointed for Kay. According to public records, Nelson recently filed a petition for the dismissal of that guardian ad litem, Denise Hayden.

Nelson says she has information that Hayden had served as a pro tempore judge in a court case involving her custody dispute, and therefore cannot be impartial. She also claims Hayden has refused to return her phone calls, has not actually spoken with Kay since July and refused to recommend counseling for the girl following allegations of abuse.

“If there were nothing to hide, what would it have hurt?” said Nelson.

Nelson said she asked Hayden’s attorney, Claire Deichman to appoint another guardian ad litem but was told another was not available. Neither Hayden nor Deichman could be interviewed. Inquires were directed to Kid’s Voice, a not-for-profit organization that provides representation for children, as well as parent-child visitation, programs for volunteers serving at-risk youth, and legal resources for attorneys.

Nelson said Kid’s Voice is a good organization, so she can’t understand why Kay couldn’t get another guardian ad litem.

“We are asked to provide information for judges in a manner that shows no prejudice against either parent. Our main goal is to take care of the child and look at what we can do to help them,” Rivers said.Kid’s Voice has a staff of five attorneys who are responsible for different programs, as well as a team of volunteers.

“People choose to serve as a guardian ad litem on a volunteer basis, and we train our volunteers extremely well before we let them work with children,” said Rivers. “We conduct background checks to prevent any possibility of conflict on interest. We take that seriously.”

Nelson also says the Marion County Department of Child Services (DCS), which is part of the Indiana Department of Child Services, has not stood up for the protection of Kay.

DCS had been contacted twice to file reports of sexual abuse, after the girl gave details of how she was allegedly touched to a forensic interviewer and detective.

In January 2008 a CHINS (child in need of services) case was filed to investigate, and Kay was moved from the father’s custody to her grandmother’s home temporarily pending the investigation. Two month’s later however, the CHINS investigation was suddenly dismissed, and custody of Kay shifted back to the father.

Nelson said at first DCS joined her in expressing surprise when the CHINS case was suddenly dismissed without a fact-finding hearing, which is required by law. She was hoping that after its review, DCS would support her in demanding a strong investigation of the abuse allegations and call for the removal of Kay from the father’s home.

But Nelson is upset that following a review last month, DCS determined that abuse allegations against the father are “unsubstantiated,” and the fact that the courts dismissed the CHINS case, even though the case was dismissed by a judge accused of conflict of interest.

At the same time, the review said concerns about Nelson fostering an endangering environment for Kay are “substantiated,” adding that being at the center of a custody battle and hearing damaging accusations could impact Kay’s mental stability.

“They are letting the person who is hurting my child get away, but they’re trying to penalize me for fighting,” said Nelson.

Ann Houseforth, director of communications for DCS, said she can’t speak specifically about anyone’s case, but explained that since 2006 the agency has reviewed cases using a procedure under CAPTA (the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act).

When a report of abuse or neglect is made, the agency goes to a child’s home to determine their safety. Different individuals and experts familiar with the case are interviewed about the allegations.

A report is then issued that will either substantiate or unsubstantiate the allegations. Individuals unhappy with the report can ask for information to be removed through a review process or administrative trial.

However, even if a parent has negative information substantiated (upheld) against them, it does not mean an automatic change in custody.

“If you have a substantiation on your record, it wont mean that your children will be permanently taken away from you or that you can’t get them back,” said Houseforth. “They may be removed temporarily until conditions improve, but the parent will not lose them forever.”

Houseforth said DCS also works with community service organizations to help parents provide a more healthy and safe environment for children.

In addition to requesting a new guardian ad litem, Nelson is trying to get her case assigned to a new court.

Nelson’s family is hopeful that such action will be another step taken to get Kay home. Minnie Blaylock, Nelson’s mother and Kay’s maternal grandmother, describes her granddaughter as smart, funny and genuinely interested in connecting with other people.

Blaylock says it doesn’t make sense that she and Kay are in the same city, yet haven’t seen each other in months. (Nelson can have paid supervised visits with Kay, but Blaylock and anyone else from Nelson’s family are not authorized to participate.)

This article is from Custody Prep for Moms, a very good site.  Check it out for other great advice and information.

DUMB MISTAKES MOTHERS SOMETIMES MAKE
-DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT THESE UNLESS YOU WANT TO RISK LOSING YOUR CHILDREN:

1) Do not withhold visitation unless the children have physical injuries or strong indications of sexual abuse. If this is the case, consult an attorney immediately and consider filing a motion requesting an emergency hearing if you do withhold visitation. With all other concerns, you’ve got to work w/the court and hope for the best. Sometimes even with injuries and sexual abuse, women can be accused of making false allegations. This is a serious problem in today’s family court rooms. You are going to need legal advice.

2) Drop the hostility about other women - the one your ex had an affair with, the one he left you for, the current girlfriend, the new wife, whatever the case may be–if you are in a custody battle, that will be used to make you look vindictive, hateful, and unable to put aside marital issues for parenting issues. The courts generally do not consider men’s indiscretion as having any bearing on custody. Occasionally, if there are sleep-overs or cohabitation when the kids are in the home with the ex, this may carry some weight. Otherwise, there are far bigger fish to fry than the ex’s sexual indiscretions.

3) It is not advisable to call the police on your ex over things that occur during visitation, vile or not. It will get you in custody hot water. The exception is physical violence against you or the children. Obviously, safety is paramount.

4) Do not isolate yourself - You are going to need family and friends to support you through this and be witnesses for you in court. However, choose your confidantes extremely carefully and watch what you say. Sometimes even well-meaning family and friends can disclose things you said that can reflect negatively upon you.  Many victims of abuse have had abusive childhoods.  If this is the case for you, be mentally prepared that your ex will likely attempt to use the history of abuse in your family against you.  If you have made a choice to distance yourself from abusive family members, be prepared that your ex will likely try to paint that as your inability to maintain familial relationships.  

5) Do not remain unemployed -You must establish that you can support your children and not expect to live off alimony or child support. If child care is a problem, look into having family and friends help care for the kids so you can work and show stability. Check around town for resources–women’s advocacy centers, etc. There may be some sort of daycare assistance programs that subsidize day care so low income women can work. Try not to take on too many hours–some women have been penalized for being working mothers–so try to demonstrate that you have flexibility to be available for your children’s needs as much as possible. This is a double-edged sword for women in today’s court climate.

6) Do not become depressed. See our articles on “Mental Preparation”. Although situational depression is extremely common for women experiencing divorce and custody litigation, you must do everything in your power to fight it off. If you have been unsuccessful at keep depression at bay by the methods we recommend in our articles, and it is becoming incapacitating, please seek help from a reputable professional.

7) Do not even jokingly consider suicide. Killing yourself is a cruddy answer to your kids problems. Do you really think your children will be better off with a life with one abusive parent and no influence from their mother? Also, consider that if it becomes known to court personnel that you are considering or have considered suicide, you will likely be viewed as the less stable parent, which could jeopardize your chances to remain the primary parent for your children.

8) Don’t show up for court looking like anything less than June Cleaver. If you think you are not going to be judged by your appearance, think again. If you have tattoos, multiple body piercings, purple hair and a penchant for leather and short skirts, save your individuality for days when yours and your children’s future doesn’t depend on it. Dress conservatively for all court appearances, evaluator and therapy appointments. Again, think June Cleaver–June was certainly a capable woman–she didn’t take any guff from Ward or The Beav, but she always looked soft, feminine, conservative and maternal.  Anyone who will appear in court in court with you–relatives, friends, co-workers, significant others–should also dress appropriately.

9) Do not bad-mouth your ex-husband to your children. If you have not heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS, you may be in for a shock. Start reading at our “links” page and the article titled “Parental Alienation and Other Misogynistic “Syndromes”". Even though this “syndrome” is a bogus one, court personnel across the nation have applied it or its spin-offs as a reason to remove custody from fit mothers. A fit mother can lose custody under allegations of this syndrome whether or not they have denigrated the father to their children. It is that dangerous.  It is an abuser’s attorney’s dream defense strategy.  Do not hand them your head on a platter and actually do this. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Your children will eventually establish their own relationship with their father, for better or for worse. Allow them to navigate their own way. Besides, bad-mouthing only cheapens you and mires you in unhealthy negative energy.

10) Do not lose control with the ex. You should assume that every exchange you have with your ex–in person, by telephone, by fax, by mail, by e-mail–is being documented or recorded in some way. It is not uncommon for some fathers to harass or goad the mothers of their children during custody litigation–be aware. Should you lose it with your ex, you may find it used as ammunition against you in court to paint you as “unstable”. It is simply not worth the catharsis. If he loses control with you, disengage–calmly hang up the phone after stating your intention to do so, leave the room, think through the written word carefully.

11) Be very wary of efforts to reconcile during custody litigation. One mother we know met her ex for dinner to discuss reconciliation. She had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner at his urging. As soon as she left the restaurant, he called in a police report and she was arrested for DUI which he then used against her in the custody case.

12) Do not turn to crutches to get you through the pain and grief. There is no faster way to lose custody than to start using alcohol, drugs, gambling and men as such. There is no faster way to deteriorate your health than to turn to alcohol, drugs, late-nights, junk food, caffeine and cigarettes either. We are aware of cases in which the pivotal reason a parent lost custody was because they smoked. Be the healthy parent.

13) Do not cohabitate. No men should be staying overnight at your house with your children present during custody litigation. Yeah, sure, this is the 2000′s…don’t fool yourself. Judges typically do not like children to be exposed to these adult issues. For that matter–if you are a lesbian mother, these same rules regarding over-nighting and cohabitation apply.

14) Do not associate with men that a judge or evaluator may look unfavorably upon. If your new boyfriend or significant other has a terrible or inappropriate relationship with your children, you are not doing yourself any favors. If they have substance abuse problems, anger-management problems, arrest records, etc. your ex will find out and use this against you. We strongly recommend waiting to resume your dating life until you are officially divorced at the very least, and being exceptionally cautious from there forward. Judges may view your dating/sex life as a sign of your immaturity, instability and inability to put your children first. Think twice.

15) Don’t automatically assume that you can move with your children. Judges are considering more and more the father’s role in children’s life, sometimes to the detriment of the child in situations of domestic violence, child abuse and neglect, a strong maternal bond, etc. Judges tend to favor the parent that is staying in the child’s home environment unless there are strong reasons for the move. If you are just trying to get a fresh start and get away from the children’s father, you may have an extreme uphill battle to convince the court that this move is in the children’s best interests. Some states and courtrooms apply relocation restrictions.

16) Do not deprive the children’s father of information. Unless there is a specific court order, even if you have sole custody, the father is entitled to receive information about schooling, extra-curricular activities, health care. Some women that have withheld such information or directed others to withhold it have had custody reversed based on “alienation” theories. It isn’t worth the risk.

17) Do not withhold visitation due to non-payment of child support. The two issues are not linked. The children are not a financial pawn. You must use your legal and state child support enforcement agency remedies to collect unpaid child support. Child support is not meant to mean that the father gets to visit on a pay-as-you-go basis. These are separate orders.

18) Don’t leave the marital home. The instant you leave the house, you yield a major advantage when it comes to gaining custody. The court may look at your decision to leave as a sign that your ex is the real custodial parent, that you are abandoning your children, or that you are flighty and unstable. Some judges actually view the house and the kids as one entity that is transferred together. If your spouse is abusive or the situation has become so volatile that it is harmful to the children, you may be able to file a motion to have your ex leave the marital home.  If you feel you have no choice but to leave, take the children with you.

19) Beware of temporary separation agreements. Often the terms of a temporary written or verbal separation agreement become the final terms of divorce. Judges often look at the “status quo”–if a temporary arrangement has been agreed to and appears to have been working between the parties and the children, judges may be reluctant to change it.

21) Even if paternity has not yet been legally established, treat the prospective Fathers in the same way you would be required to if it had already been established.  Courts are affording non-married fathers the same rights as married fathers.  Do not assume that just because you were not married that the child is under your sole authority.

20) Don’t sign a deal believing that you can easily renegotiate the custody arrangements later. It is very difficult to modify a final custody order, as the burden of proof is on the filing parent to show a substantial change of circumstances. Many mothers have trusted their former mates when they were told that they could leave the kids with him temporarily until they got “on their feet”. Upon leaving the home, even possibly moving out of state to be where support systems are, they find their ex’s have filed for full custody and received it.

IF SOME OF THESE “DON’TS” SOUND LIKE THEY’RE DOUBLE STANDARDS FOR WOMEN, YOU ARE RIGHT. NO ONE EVER SAID THAT LIFE WAS FAIR, AND EACH TIME YOU WALK INTO A COURTROOM, YOU ARE ROLLING THE DICE. THE PLAYING FIELD IS NOT LEVEL FOR WOMEN AT PRESENT.  CONSULT AN ATTORNEY EXPERIENCED IN FAMILY LAW AND CHILD CUSTODY.  NOTHING CONTAINED HEREIN SHOULD BE CONSTRUED AS LEGAL ADVICE.